Thirty, Flirty And Panicking
Last year, I turned 30.
Not only am I now officially deemed a spinster, but what followed the anniversary of my birth - was the fear of my inevitable death.
I spent nights laying awake, thinking through all of the things that I haven’t done. Not just the ones that were exciting and fun, but the things that were mundane but other 30 year olds had managed to accomplish. I thought through how fast time has gone by over the last 30 years of my life. From being a loud little girl in my primary school with an obsession for reading and picking up as many hobbies as I could - to now, an older, louder woman, with an obsession for reading smutty books and abandoning hobbies faster than I could find them. Although with each passing year I had worked hard to improve myself and my life, it got me thinking.
Was time passing by too fast, or was I not taking the time to appreciate it now?
Was I spending too much time focusing on what will come, to notice the hard work I had put into the present?
One prime example of my inability to appreciate my accomplishments is the 10k race that I trained for. Following starting a new job in tech sales, I threw myself into every work event with the endeavor to become known by my colleagues. This involved me joining a workout challenge called the Hares Challenge 2024. We had around a month to run 100km, which was incredibly daunting to me. I had attempted the couch to 5k programme multiple times, and had dropped it when things got rough. 2k was my maximum distance I had ever run, and I was a puddle by the end of it.
A month of slow plodding, forcing myself out of the door every night come rain or shine - I did it. I ran 100km, and I came third in the challenge overall. My consistent small effort every night, slowly built to 5k each night - and then a love for the sport overall. Much more fitter people in the challenge crumbled, but my consistency kept me going. You’ll be happy to know that I made friends with several of my colleagues - but more than that. I grew in confidence.
So much so, I signed up for a 10k race in Chester Zoo of all places. After many more months of constant training, I made it to the day. Thousands of people shuffled around me, looking much more athletic than I, but I stayed strong. I was going to finish it one way or another. I won’t lie to you reader, the race was hard. Whilst in the waiting pens, I heard someone joke about how “flat” this course was - and it wasn’t until I was running over a huge bridge that hung over the Rhinoceros cages that I realised why it was such a funny joke. I hadn’t trained in that kind of terrain, so 7km in I was beat. I walked more than I would care to share, but I did it. I found the drive to keep going, and run over the finish line like my life depended on it.
I allowed a small girl to give me my medal, and I looked around the field at the other runners. Tired, sweaty and… confused? We had all just completed something so incredible. There are millions of people in the world who can barely walk, never mind run - and never such a large distance! Yet despite the achievement, none of us were celebrating. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy - but all I could think of was the amount of times I stopped for a quick walk break, how many people that passed me on the run, how much faster I could have gone… and god forbid what I would do next.
The first thing I thought of was training for a half marathon. How long of a run it would be, how hard the training would push me, and how great it would feel to complete it. How accomplished I would feel crossing the finish line.
I thought so hard about it, that I forgot to feel that feeling of accomplishment for the race I had just done.
Was that what I was doing in my 30’s? With each birthday that arrived, I mourned the lost years before it and focused on what I would do with my future - so hard that I forgot to celebrate the achievement of making it this far.
Was I racing towards the finish line so fast that I forgot to collect my medal?
So that’s when I made a decision to make a change. Not a small passive change, but one that would ultimately (And hopefully) change the way my brain wired my thoughts and decisions. I decided to remove the distractions in my life that made me think I wasn’t good enough as I was, and take the time to appreciate the now.
And I’m afraid to say it - It’s what our grandmas have been saying all this time. I’ve taken a step back from my phone (Good bye Tik Tok!), I’ve removed any way that I could compare myself to others which meant a mass unfollowing on any social media that remained, and I am consistently pushing myself to seek joy. Long walks in the sunshine without distractions, reading in the park, writing my book, picking up a hobby, dancing to vinyls in my front room and most of all - taking time to breathe.
Breath in the cold air that I’m so lucky to have the ability to take in. Feel the sun on my skin which is still living. Hold the hand of a loved one that is still with me. Message the friend that still shares their time with me.
Doing, in the now, what future me, wouldn't appreciate.
With each day that passes, I’ve found my imagination coming back. My youthful pull to laugh and giggle. My need for adventure, and the confidence in myself that I thought I had lost. After spending the first 29 years of my life fearing it ending at 30, I realised.
Turning 30 won’t change your life, but you can.
